This was actually going to be one of the first posts I put up here, but that didn’t quite happen. What I want to do with this post is hopefully lay some important groundwork and maybe give readers insight into why I have the opinions that I do. However, I’m going to try and avoid turning this into my life story. I’ll save that for a book or something.
Femininity doesn’t come naturally to me, maybe it did at one time, but now I really have to work at it. Not to say I have ever been girly, I spent the first five years of my life on a farm, playing with my brothers and the family dog. Aside from liking unicorns and enjoying having my sister paint my nails red when she visited, there wasn’t much “typical girl” about me. Maybe I’m just conflating femininity and being girly, but bear with me. While I may talk the same way as my mother and share more of her opinions, I take very strongly after my father. My father is one of those brooding, introverted, outdoors-men who doesn’t like to lead, but will if no one else is capable. He didn’t teach me a lot, and I haven’t spoken to him in three years, but I swear I get more like him all the time. Just take a peek at some of my Amazon suggested books:
I frequently just vanish from the house and no one knows when I left or where I went, except I probably went to the woods. I’m deeply introverted and until recently I had so much brooding loner cred I could Game straight girls. I’ve opened up more recently, but I still have a certain air of “I have my stuff together and when I speak you listen”, which I got from working with livestock and wandering the woods. Most of the behavior of my fellow young women still gets a raised eyebrow and a “what’s your problem?” look from me, which makes them adore me for whatever reason. I don’t get them at all and I have a feeling I never will.
Anyway, taking after my father and spending so much time in the woods didn’t exactly lead me to being a skirt wearing, well mannered gal. That’s taken a lot of conscious effort on my part. Not to say my mother let me grow up like a wild animal, but she had to work and could only teach me so much. Truth be told, there are quite a few behaviors I have that no one knows where I learned them from. Though everyone does know why I hold everything like a paintbrush. One way or another, I was always very practical, had disdain for anyone who wasn’t, and generally could do without people. That manifested in how I spoke, how I dressed, and how I acted. Not that I’m frowning on being practical, I still am. It’s the other two pieces of that don’t fall in line with feminine virtue.
So how did I decide or figure out that something was wrong? Certainly no one pointed it out. Over the course of my college years I just sort of realized it. You realize stuff like that when the only people hitting on you are lesbians and the guys treat you like well, one of the guys. I wanted to get married and I wanted to have kids, so this wouldn’t do. So I followed my brother onto this part of the ‘sphere and asked for advice. I had to make a conscious decision to follow it and some of it I didn’t like very much at all. Much of the advice was about appearance, but there is a certain level of outside-in that happens when you follow it.
I lucked out in that I was already thin, but I definitely facepalmed in regards to my hair length. I had chopped it off to less than shoulder length for the second time in my life not four months before and recently gotten it trimmed back to that length. I had some skirts, but I had no tights or hosiery, no casual dresses, no decent shoes, no makeup, just a closet full of jeans and unisex t-shirts. I had never worn makeup or been fitted for a bra. The princess I was most like?
I was pretty much raw as far as femininity went. It was a real internal struggle at times just to make the modifications to my wardrobe. I was mortified when I got my bra fitted and put off even approaching makeup for almost an entire year after I got my advice. I didn’t have a lot of money so I learned the fine art of finding quality merchandise at the local thrift shop, of which I found quite a lot actually. My mother had occasion to open my closet recently and asked me when I had become such a “clotheshorse”. The transformation has been a long, methodical one. The only thing I can say for certain is I don’t really like wearing jeans anymore, because now I associate jeans with work. The skirts generally make me feel more feminine, though I still haven’t completely gotten the hang of them, or dresses either. I’ve discovered my own style of sorts, that my mother admires quite a lot and is somewhat jealous of. I feel like I dress sort of like a hippie, but it seems to work for me. Even if I’m not at all a hippie.
I still have a ways to go, the feminine virtues are still a bit of a mystery to me and my domestic skills need work, but the important fact is I’m making the changes. I’m not going “Nope, that’s too hard, I’m not going to do that,” or “That’s not me! I shouldn’t have to change!” The truth of the matter is people are always changing, trying to maintain a particular self-image is actually not being true to yourself and inhibits your natural growth. So by specifically trying to be yourself, you are not being yourself. Ok, I’ll lay of the Sartre now. Anyway, the main point of the post is to tell anyone who reads the Morning Sprinkles segments that I’m going through the process of becoming feminine and the posts are just as much for me as anyone else. You don’t have to feel bad if you aren’t currently feminine, because it doesn’t come naturally to me. I’m not looking down at you from somewhere lofty, I’m right there on the ground with you.